


A Kidnapping Surprise

by Orange_Coyote



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Embarrassment, Fluff, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Kidnapping, Peter Parker Has a Crush, Short & Sweet, Wade Wilson has a Crush, a cameo by justin timberlake, a snl song to be specific, but of course neither of them acknowledges it, hence the gen rating - Freeform, inspired by a song, nobody gets hurt, rated t for certain words, the crackiest crack, yeah you read that correctly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 14:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20508779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orange_Coyote/pseuds/Orange_Coyote
Summary: Peter meets Wade at a pizza parlor. Nothing new.Wade is going to be late. Also nothing new.What happens when Wade arrives, however, is completely unexpected.





	A Kidnapping Surprise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SpiderKatana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiderKatana/gifts).

> wow so this is my first spideypool fic and of course it had to be the most ridiculous crack ever.  
gifted to spk because they encouraged my random thoughts. (if you like angst and pain, go read their fics!)  
kidnapping a celebrity is NOT okay, so don't try this at home.

Just like any other Tuesday night since regularly patrolling with Deadpool, Peter found himself meeting up with the merc at the pizza place of which Wade had texted the address earlier. If they’d been dating, one might call Tuesday their designated date night. But they weren’t, so Peter didn’t. Even if he kind of really wanted to.

He walked into the parlor, aptly named Luigi’s Pizza Pies, and smiled at the hostess. They immediately took him to a table in the center of the restaurant, left him with a glass of water and a menu, and went back to work behind the counter. Peter took their silence with a grain of salt, choosing to look over the menu despite knowing he and Wade would get the same thing they always ordered: pineapple and black olives for Wade, extra pepperoni and extra cheese for Peter.

Glancing around, taking in his surroundings and scanning for any potential threats being second nature at this point, Peter belatedly noticed how utterly empty the place was. Not a single soul besides him and the few members of staff working busily behind the counter or in the kitchen. He wasn’t exactly surprised by this, seeing as Deadpool had a habit of clearing out a place with the mere whisper of his presence alone. After witnessing some of Wade’s destructive tendencies, Peter couldn’t say he blamed business owners for clearing out ahead of time. There were a few places Wade was known and liked, a few he wasn’t allowed within a 100 feet radius of, and a handful of special spots that completely ignored him no matter what he said or how much blood was on the suit when he walked in. Aka that true New York City charm Peter had grown up with and loved.

So it came as no surprise to Peter when ten minutes after their mutually agreed upon meet up time came and went, the door banged open and Wade came strutting in. He held a gift box in his hands, its sides wrapped with Deadpool wrapping paper and an obnoxious Spider-Man ribbon tied over the top in a massive bow. Again, not anything out of the ordinary when it came to Wade. He wore a pair of dark wash jeans and a bright red hoodie, the hood pulled up to cover his head. Peter appreciated Wade in civilian clothes and had told the mercenary as much on multiple occasions.

What _did_ have Peter gaping like a fish pulled out of water was the person who walked in behind Wade, carrying an identical gift box.

“Wade,” Peter choked out, nearly coughing out his lungs from swallowing his sip of water the wrong way. “Wade? Is that… Umm… Is that? Is that Justin Timberlake?!?”

Wade merely winked, saying giddily, “Enjoy the show, baby boy.”

He then steps into Peter’s eye line, pushing tables off to the side. When satisfied with his handiwork, Wade motions to Justin to join him on the makeshift stage. The pop singer follows, looking all kinds of uncomfortable but throwing Peter a winning smile nonetheless.

Suddenly a beat comes out of the speakers previously playing a soft background melody. [The music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rt0spqQtMKg) sounds oddly familiar and it takes Peter only a second to realize exactly why. Is Wade really going to…

Peter’s thoughts are broken when Wade says, “Hey girl, I got something real important to give you, so just sit down and listen.”

_He’s really going to!_

Peter can’t speak as Wade and _Justin_ _fucking Timberlake_ float around one another as they sing, boxes suggestively held right over their groin areas.

“A gift real special, so take of the top,” Wade croons.

“Take a look inside,” Justin sings. “It’s my dick in a box.”

Peter groans when Wade opens up the box in his hands to reveal a black and red dildo. Completely covers his face with his hands as they continue the song.

“See I’m wise enough to know when a gift needs giving,” Justin says. “And I got just the one.”

“Something to show ya that you are second to none,” Wade warbles.

Wade wriggles his nonexistent brows at Peter, his eyes fully exposed since his hood had fallen off midway through the song. Peter feels himself flush with embarrassment, but despite it all there’s a splash of fondness mixed in underneath. This is why MJ says I have mental issues, Peter tells himself ruefully. Because even though he knows Wade must have blackmailed or threatened this poor celebrity into doing this, he can’t help thinking: Wade did this for_ me._

“Christmas?” Wade says.

“Dick in a box,” Justin sings in reply.

“Hanukkah?”

“Dick in a box.”

“Kwanzaa?”

“A dick in a box. Every single holiday, a dick in a box!”

The duo finishes out the song, Wade striking a dramatic pose as he tosses his gift box into the air.

Peter claps, stopping abruptly once he slowly comes back into the moment. “Wade, what was that?”

Wade turns to Justin first. “Great job, Timberlake. I felt the passion. Go take ten, there’s a pizza in that booth over there with your name on it.”

Justin hands Wade the gift box he’s been gripping like a lifeline for the entire performance, nods, then ambles over to the aforementioned table and digs in gratefully. Wade now turns his gaze onto Peter, that singular attention raising shivers across Peter’s spine the way it always does. He joins Peter at his table, but Peter is instantly on his feet. Wade follows suit, looking half like a kicked puppy and half like someone about to get kicked in the gonads.

“Did you like it, Petey? I know you said that one time how much you thought the song was funny.”

“Wade,” Peter sighs. He harnesses every put upon look he’s ever received from May and Tony Stark, looking up at Wade with what he hopes is a healthy dose of disappointment. “What did I say about blackmail?”

Wade looks down at his shoes, scuffing softly at the worn tiles beneath his feet. “Evil villains and deserving douchebags only, and only if it’s necessary. But _Peeeteeey_,” the man whines, raising his eyes to meet Peter’s gaze. “I didn’t hurt him! And he was just sitting there at that café when I just happened to walk by on my way here. It’s like the universe _wanted _me to kidnap him.”

“No, Wade.”

“He’s having fun! Ain’t ya, Timberfake?”

The singer shrugs, swallowing his bite of pizza. “I mean, it’s not the _worst_ thing to happen to me.”

“And look,” Wade continues petulantly, “I bought him pizza! And I didn’t tie him up or anything! I just asked him to help me and he came willingly.”

“Giving in to your threats doesn’t count as coming along ‘willingly,’ Wade Winston Wilson.”

Wade visibly winces, knowing Peter pulling out his full name is meaningful. This does nothing to diminish Wade’s argument for his innocence, however. “He didn’t try to fight me or try to run away, even after I told him he _could_,” Wade argues.

Peter glances over at Justin for confirmation. The man merely smiles, like this is all run of the mill for him. “The dude wouldn’t shut up about you, man. He obviously really loves you. Who am I to stand in the way of true love?”

“How is this even real,” Peter mumbles. He groans anew, running his hands through his hair and pressing his fingers over his eyes. Maybe if he pretends this never happened, he’ll never have to face it. “You’re okay, Mr. Timberlake?”

“Yeah, man,” Justin says. Peter feels weird referring to a celebrity by his first name, but he feels equally weird referring to the man as Mr. Timberlake in his head. “I’m unharmed, fed, and pretty amused if I’m being honest here. So, can I ask how long you two have been dating?”

Peter falls into his chair at that, arms flailing to keep his balance and avoid falling flat on his ass on the floor. After he regains his composure he glances from Wade to the singer, back to Wade, back to Timberlake. “Uh, we’re not.” Peter coughs awkwardly. “Not dating, I mean.”

“Oh, well you could have fooled me.”

“I hate to ask, but uh, you don’t want to press charges or anything?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it, kid. Just do me a favor. Well, two favors actually.”

“Sure thing, Mr. Timberlake.”

Justin gets up from his seat, walks over to Peter and places a hand comfortingly on the younger man’s shoulder. “Take care of this lunk, alright? I don’t even want to think about what he does when you’re not around to keep him in line.”

Peter nods, knowing all too well what Wade used to get up to in his spare time before he and Peter became an unofficial crime fighting team.

“And do you think you can swing me back, sign some stuff for my kids? They’ll never believe this.”

Peter laughs despite himself. This has been such a wild evening. “Sure thing, sir. Just let me know where you need to go, and I’ll get you there.”

“I call shotgun!” Wade shouts gleefully.


End file.
